What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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