The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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