i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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