Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
