Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
