Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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