This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
