btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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