You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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