my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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