You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
