Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
