I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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