Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
