my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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