just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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