and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
