if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
