mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
