I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
