He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
