i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm like, not good at living.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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