Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
sarcasm needs its own font
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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