you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This is classic penis vs brain.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
