How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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