so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
