So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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