i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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