I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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