Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
