How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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