giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
