Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
