awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am one with the molecules
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
