im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
