Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
