new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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