k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
