Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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