I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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