the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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