There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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