we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you win again, gameday.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So here I am, sexting at work.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
