what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
