my phone needs a breathalizer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Two words: blizzard sex
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
