Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
