Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
