Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
