do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
