I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
