Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
