I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
