I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
