update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
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Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
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Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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