Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
