Umm I'm too high to move.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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